Patterns of past narcissist couple still around. Thinking she was my friend initially, an ally after my therapy, but not. Plus I was living overseas. I'd wrongly given him the benefit of the doubt and now they were together and I was overseas. Lost in my wound without realising. The drama repeating was everything I felt in my therapy real? It was like being reminded... no... this is who you are... remember? Subordinate, controlled. Creativity taken away, de-anchored and destabalised. I could just watch it all play out. That feeling of being less than again. I could drift. Clinging to the hope of change from the aggressors which would never happen.
I'd gone back there because of all that was ignited and started to flow out of me which I see now in my dreams. It's still there but it couldn't come out. The drama of frustration of just wanting to be seen and validated and I couldn't give it to myself. I was unconscious and i didn't know it. Wanting that precious jewel of empathy from the narcissist they deliberately make it that you'll want from them then refuse to give. This is the narcissist takeover. Likely to happen when you have been sourced out from the start. This is what probably happened but I couldn't see it then. A cruel cycle. Colonised, owned.
Lucy would set me free again. I'd ask her over a year later if she remembered me, of course she did, she said. The one person who I'd felt understood me. Who'd set me free originally. Was that all a dream? She assured me it wasn't. A journey started of understanding Narcissism and detaching from toxicity then starting again. Creative powers came out. I was happier while alone in ways. No one would understand, it sounded too weird. I had to make counselling connections.
Seeing all the past before then clearer. Things had always been messy. They were smarter than me. I had been stitched up. They were cruel though, not enlightened. Just in that self righteous judgemental narcissism world. My best interests were never with them. I was a subordinate stepping stone. They were wolves in sheeps clothing. Abuse sugar coated as joking around.
I never thought the wound was so deep but detachment became my biggest thing I'd ever done and my most important. I became internally free. Life and dreams took on real meanings. It wasn't drudgery. I was raw. There was so much energy taken up in memories which was so out of control. Now became the time to start to try to centre it all. Relationships became more normal and drama free. There was so far to go but I was on the right path.
I could pragmatically see the way forward and keep taking each day as it came. My life and my values were not enmeshed anymore. One way or another I became the centre of my life, in charge and following the path I wanted. The thing I recently read about of a kind of selfish and unselfish merging together was seeming to fit for me. Seeing a world of pathology had opened up. Narcissists and Psychopaths being a thing, rosy glasses taken off and seeing many people's intentions were not good. Working to go in the direction of what is good. Starting to dig away. Doing well in the counselling assignments, cutting off from the past, feeling calmer, dealing with backlash. Something more decent and integral was happening.
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