Wednesday 27 May 2015

Sudden closure of Relationships Aotearoa.

I was shocked and saddened to see the news that Relationships Aotearoa was closing suddenly.  I did not just find the news saddening but the way it was all handled as being very concerning and brutal.  From the evidence I have seen through One News and the interviews I have found Anne Tolley's response to be totally patronising and demeaning towards Relationships Aotearoa.  I also find the action and the sudden end for clients without even giving two weeks notice as was expected by the spokesperson for Relationships Aotearoa just brutal. It showed a total disregard and almost pathological Narcissistic lack of empathy for the rights of clients.

As a Counsellor I know that the main indicator of good outcomes for clients is the trust and rapport between Counsellor and client.  The typical client will find this hard to build up due to bad outcomes in attempting this in their background leading to destructive behaviour towards others or perhaps this leading them into destructive relationships and behaviour.  It is common that the very foundation of Counselling is building this rapport to allow the individual to experience freedom and allow past conditioning to fall apart.  This can be a very slow, difficult, while rewarding experience for the client.

The action of an immediate end will in many cases have shattered this trust, maybe forever.  I don't want to be overly dramatic and I only hope for the clients best welfare but the action to suddenly end is just so incredible brutal and potentially devastating especially for those at risk.  Anne Tolley herself describes 500 urgent cases but yet seems to speak of these people as if they are objects or at best totally calm rational beings who are going to be fine with this change.  She seems to completely disregard or have no concept on how such a change could impact them.  These 500 'urgent cases' are now at a level (due to Anne Tolley) far far more urgent.  The clients are quoted as being at risk of suicide, homicide, also sexual offenders are now at higher risk in each of these categories

Client rights set out by the Health and Disability Commission says that clients are to be treated with 'respect' and that 'effective communication' is to take place.  Anne Tolley seems to sabotaged this from taking place.  She has broke the rights of the clients at Relationships Aotearoa.

Incredibly Anne Tolley went on to tell Relationships Aotearoa to 'calm down'.  A response as a mental health professional I found to be either totally stupid or a deliberate attempt to inflame since anyone is taught when dealing with people who are inflamed (which Relationships Aotearoa fairly are) is to tell them to 'calm down'.  A totally patronising and inappropriate response on her part. 

There were 7000 clients being helped by Relationships Aoteoroa.  It seemed an incredible action magnified even more by the fact that the people affected are those supposedly at the focus of the governments new community investment.  If we are really investing in the community and we are acknowledging that Counselling is part of that we need to understand these basic Counselling processes and the fact that we are dealing with people.  This does not just apply for Counselling but for any form of Social Care.  To not even allow the clients two more weeks as the spokeperson thought to create some kind of ending and gentler moving on for them could prove a key factor in their ability to ever recover.  Someone in Anne Tolley's position should know this and should have acted better.

I have been in contact with Relationships Aotearoa to potentially offer clients Counselling sessions at the same fees of Relationships Aotearoa and will be contacting the other agencies where the clients have gone to.  The further disaster following this was that the agencies referred to were more based in a social work framework although some of the relationships Aotearoa Counsellors have apparently moved on also to these same places which is some positive.  It seems unclear as to whether or not all these clients will be accommodated with new Counsellors at this stage.

Friday 22 May 2015

Happiness, balance, and empowered choices

The simple reason people typically choose to go to Counselling is because they don't feel happy with their lives.  A feeling like something is wrong or missing somehow.  In Counselling and Therapy we work with the emotional reality of the client to help them to move towards a more constructive sense of themselves typically through an acceptance of their emotions which may have been blocked in the past.

One of my favourite self therapy books I have read is 'Life Works by Amanda Ferguson' which gives the following explanation of happiness and finding happiness. p26 - 27

'Happiness lies in learning to focus on ourselves as the source and to work through our own thoughts, feelings and problems.  We can then see any problems in other areas of our lives more clearly.  When we're content within ourselves we are better able to create the lifestyle and relationships we want.

If we are to be happy in life it's also important to realise that we can't have everything.  Society tends to promote the idea that we can - but realistically, of course, we can't.  The sooner we work out what we do want and become contend with giving up the rest, we can be happy.

Generally, there are some basic things that make all of us happy.  We need to feel safe and secure.  We need to feel confident that we can obtain the things that we need and want from life.  We need to be able to accept and like ourselves for the way we are and yet be able to identify and commit to making changes as we see fit.  We need to feel a sense of belonging to society.  We need to feel that there is meaning and value to our lives (Frankl, 1984).  Most of us know that these things are not as simple as they might sound.'

From a colleague I was recently drawn to the idea of writing a list of what we feel brings balance in our lives then looking at what may be missing, things we may like to add etc.  The concept of 'Imagineering' was discussed.  It can be useful to look at what is bringing us balance and things we may like to change then think of ways we can make steps towards the life we want more.  A great way to work on this is through SMART goals.

It's important to be true to yourself in this process and put yourself first and be willing to go against the grain of what society wants.  In working with clients in this area I have recently found the trend interesting of couples who for whatever reasons are choosing not to be parents but with parenthood being a way societal pressure typically pulls couples.  Here is a good book on the subject.  It is important to be willing to stand up for your own willingness to CHOOSE and what brings YOU balance.  This is a real test of our own relationship with ourselves. 

Saturday 16 May 2015

Are you a highly sensitive person?

As part of my personal development in my training to be a Counsellor I really enjoyed reading the book 'The Highly Sensitive Person' by Elaine Aron.  I found it quite affirming in being able to identify myself as also being a highly sensitive person.  I have often recommended this books to clients I have worked with.  The book is based on the idea that around 30% of people can be classed as highly sensitive in the sense of actually having a more highly sensitive nervous system. 

This highly sensitive nervous system has both positive and negative attributes it brings up.  It describes it as being how we categorise things.  A less sensitive person may only break things down into around 5 categories for example but a highly sensitive person may break the same thing down into 10.  The world can therefore seem more overwhelming for a highly sensitive person as society typically operates on an extraverted way of seeing things, therefore being highly sensitive can often be something that is discriminated against.

Why are you so sensitive? Don't be such a cry baby etc etc.  Whereas the world and mentality typically favours the more extraverted, the introverted are very much needed and typically exist more behind the scenes.  Counsellors, writers, movie directors etc would be careers more typically taken by the highly sensitive.

Aron affirms how it is not about making an elite out of being highly sensitive but rather just a standing up for our sensitivity, a restoring pride and a making equal.  Her book is useful to give figures in history who have been highly sensitive and to provide techniques for self support to be highly sensitive and to survive well in an extravert world.  She has written a series of books.

Being highly sensitive often involves needing quieter work spaces, preferring smaller crowds, needing wind down time.  It is important to look after yourself well as a highly sensitive person while also standing up for yourself as being highly sensitive and what being highly sensitive can offer to the world.  Carl Jung , Abraham Lincoln, and Walt Disney were people highlighted as being 'highly sensitive'.

Are you a highly sensitive person?

Thursday 7 May 2015

Healthy shame

Shame is an issue which constantly comes up in Counselling and Therapy sessions.  I have always found the book 'Healing the Shame that binds you' a great recommendation to clients to give an overview of shame can dominate our lives and stop our healthy connection with our authentic selves.

Shame is often described as being 'the master emotion'.  See this blog entry here which describes the power of shame and how it can control us.

Healing the shame that binds you gives a great distinction between healthy shame and toxic shame.  A healthy sense of shame is seen to be very healthy and very desirable to the human condition.  This is identified as the attitude of 'I made a mistake'.  It is often related to the healthy inner child and the idea of falling over or making a mistake and then getting back up and carrying on again and giving things another go.

Through upbringing however or conditions which may not have been favourable to us in nurturing this this state we often instil an idea of 'I am a mistake'.  This is where the authentic self is abandoned and rather a false self takes over and plays a role to fit in with the dysfunctional family system.  This is said to be a shame based role.

Shirley Smith in her book 'Set yourself free' gives a good discussion of different shame based roles we may take on board in the family.  In a shame based role we have totally abandoned the authentic self and have taken on board an idea of shame of 'I am a mistake'.  These two polarities are often worked with in Counselling through support and nurturing to help the client work with what has happened and create the distinction within themselves of 'I made a mistake' versus 'I am a mistake'. 

Here is a link particularly in relation to healing the shame of the inner child.  Here is another link particularly for romance in relation to shame in approaching women.  Although some of the authors writing I do not agree with the discussion around shame in this context I found excellent as he relates it to a fear of rejection and again links back to Healing the Shame that binds you.

A good question to ask yourself is if you operate in an 'I made a mistake' or 'I am a mistake' modality and what are you going to do about it?

Monday 4 May 2015

Our relationships always adding something

Often due to some destructive past influences people in Counselling are often involved with people in their lives who are less than constructive for them.  What can happen is that we play out certain roles which we played perhaps for our parents in the past.  The idea is often discussed of 'replaying dramas' whereas in the past we were forced to abandon our authentic self in order to fit in with a dysfunctional family system and now continue to replay these same destructive patterns with others in our lives.

Our romantic relationships are identified as in particularly bringing up our deepest core issues.  Often we work in Counselling with what this situation is reminding me of from my past.  Often the same niggle we have with for example an overbearing and dominating partner can be traced back to our primary caregivers.  Healing this original wound can then provide a key foundation to becoming more assertive with our current partner and working towards a constructive way forward or perhaps finding a different relationship.

It is important to remember as adults that people in our lives should be adding something to our lives.  Playing the role of a support person for example is very positive in pockets but it is important to reflect back on ones boundaries and look at the role the other person is playing in their life and whether they are in fact adding something or just draining.  Friends should always add something and they should never be cruel.

A very simple boundary exercise to become more conscious can be simply to list people in our lives and write what we are and what we are not willing to do.  Getting this out there and making it clear and conscious can then help us to be more constructive.  If we are unable to act on these boundaries or for some reason feel obligated to be a certain way it is important to reflect on ourselves as to why this may be.

As adults we need to remember that the word 'should' is out.  Changing the word to 'could' and therefore looking at what we choose or choose not to do.