New Zealand suicide rate, Katy Perry, and the importance of teaching empathy in schools and society

I'd been wanting to write a good blog for quite a while on the terrible suicide rate in New Zealand.  I am actually still waiting for more information I have requested in order to make something more formal and more developed to perhaps go into press release format.  However there have just been a few incidents of the last 3 days which made me feel it was very important just to write a something.

In /may 2015 we witnessed the closure of Relationships Aotearoa.  Ann Tolley irresponsibly closed it down and dispersed many highly vulnerable people to other services at the drop of a hat which could have had huge impacts.  The response she made after she'd done it astounded me in how she told Relationships Aotearoa to 'calm down'.  Like the comical thing you are told in the first day of mental health training to never ever say !!!! For anyone who wants to read my blog I did at the time it is here : http://newbeginningstherapy.blogspot.co.nz/2015/05/

Recently I have been in contact with Lifeline and their Executive director Glenda Schnell.  I was informed of the following statistics in New Zealand: In 2013 there were 125 000 calls to Lifeline.  Out of those between 5-6 daily were at risk of suicide.  Now just think about that for a second.  People phoning on a daily basis who may actually kill themselves because they feel so bad about themselves and their life that they can genuinely see no other way out other than to end it all.

In 2016 there were 1840 calls who were at risk of suicide.  Of these 1368 were able to somehow be settled down and have some kind of recovery plan throughout the call.  432 were however at immediate risk meaning that the police had to be called and the caller needed to be kept on the phone often until police actually arrived due to the threat being that serious.

It was a month or so ago I went to Silo outdoor cinema and saw a great while extremely sad documentary on Amy Winehouse.called 'Amy'.  What struck me as a Counsellor was how she was clearly just a vulnerable woman in need of help.  I so wish I could have helped her through some counselling and really truly believe I could.  Seeing her almost made me see her as an actual child.  So lost and vulnerable and killed by fame.  What also really struck me which it documented well was when she was going through her despair how people responded so terribly to her.  Graham Norton who always struck me as cool kind of guy teased her as did numerous people on different shows.  I mean why?  What had she done that was so bad?  Is it because she was a celebrity she just deserved it or maybe wasn't allowed to feel this way.  Anyone has suffering in their lives.

It was then a few days ago when I saw the shocking while not so surprising article on Katy Perry and her recent distress and the kind of responses people had to it.  Please see the well written article below.

 http://www.newshub.co.nz/home/health/2017/06/opinion-our-shameful-response-to-katy-perry-s-depression-is-part-of-nz-s-mental-health-problem.html

In my view it's pretty great that she is being so open so why all the horrible responses?  Wouldn't it be great if unlike Amy Winehouse she could be someone supported and see as going through a good recovery and healing?  A good representation in the public light of someone dealing with their issues responsibly?  I think so.  Some of the sickening responses are: 'This is hilarious, her hair cut is scary'. 'STUPID BITCH', 'She's say anything to get attention'.

Now as a society where we have such a high suicide rate why do we behave like this?  What does it take us to learn our lesson?  As a Therapist I see empathy is truly being the thing that saves and binds us as humans.  Yes there's always a chance someone could be faking it.  For anyone who knows my work my niche is on people recovering from Narcissists and narcissists feed on empathy.  However when we see someone in distress (with the exception of if someone has done us or the world extremely serious wrong) would it not be good to just have a strong enough sense of ourselves and have the empathy to be able to atleast say: 'Hope you get better soon' or if it is a friend of ours to be able to maybe give a bit of friendly support.

Being empathic to those in distress is fundamental to life.  It's so easy too.  There are courses which teach basic Counselling skills I did when I was a volunteer counsellor many years ago.  I think this kind of teaching mixed in schools would be a wonderful asset.  There is a great book called 'Counselliing skills in everyday life' by Kathryn Geldard which is a great read.  I just checked and you can download the pdf here for free https://latonyarobbinsarch.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/counselling-skills-in-everyday-life-by-kathryn-geldard-david-geldard.pdf

I saw a good post yesterday which would discussing the idea of teaching about mental health education in schools.  For me this is a huge yes considering this dilemma we clearly have.  Here is the link so you can click your vote:
http://w'Www.newshub.co.nz/home/health/2017/06/better-mental-health-education-needed-in-schools-petition.html

As a Counsellor I teach building a compassionate relationship with yourself and then from there to be able to relate well and be compassionate to other people.  We need to be teaching more of this and if we feel a need to behave cruelly really asking ourselves why.  It is cruelty which is pathology is Psychology and studies of Mental Health.  The only thing wrong with Katy Perry and pathological as far as I can see are the pathological responses which attack her human longing for empathy.  The same can be said around the issue of mental health and suicide in New Zealand.

Just to add what actually drove me to write this today was that when I saw a further post today of Katy Perry collapsing on stage a response I saw first on it was 'Who gives a f... about Katy Perry, totally vacuous'.

The point to me seems to just be 'giving a f...' about anyone regardless of who they are.

Here is another blog post I have wrote with a good link on what to do if a friend is suicidal.  Take care

http://newbeginningstherapy.blogspot.co.nz/2017/06/what-to-do-if-friend-is-suicidal.html

What to do if a friend is suicidal ?

I felt it important to write this post.  It's that ultimate baseline thing.  Your friend is suicidal, or may be.. what do I do? I've looked around online and used my knowledge and wisdom I have of my years of being a therapist so far to give my best ideas I can to support through this hugely important time.  It may be important to act and to do and say the right things.

Remember that you are not a professional.  You are just there to be you and to provide the best counselling skills you can to be able to be the buffer to hopefully ease the person through this phase and to be able to transition them out.  Think of it as potentially being like a learning of emergency CPR which you may learn to perform on someone who needs it until further support arrives.

A huge huge thing that the person needs is validation.  I can't stress this enough. 'Validation' 'validation' 'validation'.  Sometimes in therapy we refer to it as 'the value of being there'.  The very act of this is profound and is going to make a huge different to your friend and what they may do next.  They need you now more than ever. 

Here it is important to make a huge distinction between sympathy and empathy.  This validation which is required means empathy and lots of it.  In my counselling training this was displayed well as being like your friend being in a hole.  Sympathy would be the person talking from above the hole saying things like 'oh its really bad down there' 'poor you'.  Empathy is more being in the hole with the person.  They are maybe literally dying right now for someone to atleast try to understand how they feel and to feel they are not alone and that someone is with them. 

The following website https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-helping-someone-who-is-suicidal.htm is a great resource and I am going to summarise from here the main points about what to do and what not to do. Funnily enough the site on the DO list says be sympathetic which I feel is an error.  Here is a summarised list of what TO DO with the words 'Be sympathetic removed and replaced with 'Be Empatic'.

'Be yourself. Let the person know you care, that he/she is not alone. The right words are often unimportant. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it.
Listen. Let the suicidal person unload despair, ventilate anger. No matter how negative the conversation seems, the fact that it exists is a positive sign.
Be Empathic. non-judgmental, patient, calm, accepting. Your friend or family member is doing the right thing by talking about his/her feelings.
Offer hope. Reassure the person that help is available and that the suicidal feelings are temporary. Let the person know that his or her life is important to you.
Take the person seriously. If the person says things like, “I’m so depressed, I can’t go on,” ask the question: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” You are not putting ideas in their head, you are showing that you are concerned, that you take them seriously, and that it’s OK for them to share their pain with you.'

Stick with this list and remember you are only performing CPR and being the buffer for them to get through.  You are the emergency resource similar to the emergency act for someone choking in a restaurant.  You are not the full blown emergency services.  Keep it all as simple as you can.  VALIDATE AND BE THERE.  There is a myth that talking about suicide to them makes suicide more likely.  This is not true.  Supporting the person to talk about their feelings is the key.

Avoid any kind of moving into sympathy and somehow taking out of their frame of reference of seeing the world. Don't start saying things like 'I'd be devastated' or 'It's selfish'.  This is not validating, not empathic and not being there for them.

Do not leave your friend alone during this critical time.  You can call '111' if you feel there is immediate risk of suicide.  You could ask them if they would like you to do this.  Below is a list of numbers which can be offered as support for your friend.  Remember they just want you to be there for them during this time.  It's all about you being this prop and needed support to just get them through.

Lifeline 0800 543 354

Acute care team (ACT) 0800 653 357

A 24 hour helline from Palmeston North to Waikanae

Depression Helpline 0800 111 757

Healthline 0800 111 757.

Samartans 0800 726 666

Suicide Crisis Helpline. 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

Helplines for children and young people

Youthline 0800 376 633

Outline NZ (experts on LGBT matters) : 0800 688 5463

Sudden closure of Relationships Aotearoa.

I was shocked and saddened to see the news that Relationships Aotearoa was closing suddenly.  I did not just find the news saddening but the way it was all handled as being very concerning and brutal.  From the evidence I have seen through One News and the interviews I have found Anne Tolley's response to be totally patronising and demeaning towards Relationships Aotearoa.  I also find the action and the sudden end for clients without even giving two weeks notice as was expected by the spokesperson for Relationships Aotearoa just brutal. It showed a total disregard and almost pathological Narcissistic lack of empathy for the rights of clients.

As a Counsellor I know that the main indicator of good outcomes for clients is the trust and rapport between Counsellor and client.  The typical client will find this hard to build up due to bad outcomes in attempting this in their background leading to destructive behaviour towards others or perhaps this leading them into destructive relationships and behaviour.  It is common that the very foundation of Counselling is building this rapport to allow the individual to experience freedom and allow past conditioning to fall apart.  This can be a very slow, difficult, while rewarding experience for the client.

The action of an immediate end will in many cases have shattered this trust, maybe forever.  I don't want to be overly dramatic and I only hope for the clients best welfare but the action to suddenly end is just so incredible brutal and potentially devastating especially for those at risk.  Anne Tolley herself describes 500 urgent cases but yet seems to speak of these people as if they are objects or at best totally calm rational beings who are going to be fine with this change.  She seems to completely disregard or have no concept on how such a change could impact them.  These 500 'urgent cases' are now at a level (due to Anne Tolley) far far more urgent.  The clients are quoted as being at risk of suicide, homicide, also sexual offenders are now at higher risk in each of these categories

Client rights set out by the Health and Disability Commission says that clients are to be treated with 'respect' and that 'effective communication' is to take place.  Anne Tolley seems to sabotaged this from taking place.  She has broke the rights of the clients at Relationships Aotearoa.

Incredibly Anne Tolley went on to tell Relationships Aotearoa to 'calm down'.  A response as a mental health professional I found to be either totally stupid or a deliberate attempt to inflame since anyone is taught when dealing with people who are inflamed (which Relationships Aotearoa fairly are) is to tell them to 'calm down'.  A totally patronising and inappropriate response on her part. 

There were 7000 clients being helped by Relationships Aoteoroa.  It seemed an incredible action magnified even more by the fact that the people affected are those supposedly at the focus of the governments new community investment.  If we are really investing in the community and we are acknowledging that Counselling is part of that we need to understand these basic Counselling processes and the fact that we are dealing with people.  This does not just apply for Counselling but for any form of Social Care.  To not even allow the clients two more weeks as the spokeperson thought to create some kind of ending and gentler moving on for them could prove a key factor in their ability to ever recover.  Someone in Anne Tolley's position should know this and should have acted better.

I have been in contact with Relationships Aotearoa to potentially offer clients Counselling sessions at the same fees of Relationships Aotearoa and will be contacting the other agencies where the clients have gone to.  The further disaster following this was that the agencies referred to were more based in a social work framework although some of the relationships Aotearoa Counsellors have apparently moved on also to these same places which is some positive.  It seems unclear as to whether or not all these clients will be accommodated with new Counsellors at this stage.