Tony Veitch. A case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or something more severe.

Tony Veitch today 'Hey guys I woke up this morning to a series of extremely offensive and abusive posts attacking me for my past and asking why so many 'losers' would follow my page. Well, to those sad individuals who continue to try and bring me down, guess what it won't work. I have worked my ass off to re build my life and career and learn from what was a hideous relationship! I am now in the dream job and I'm happy again. The fact that some appear clearly jealous or insecure about their own lives is their issue not mine . It must eat you up that 152,000 people have embraced me and my page. To them I say a massive thank you ! To the haters , send all the abuse you want, I will just ban you and continue to love life again. Time to grow up.'

Found reading this today so incredibly relevant to loads of work I am doing personally and professionally on narcissistic personality disorder and other more extreme dangerous personality disorders such as sociopathology and psychopathology.  I had not heard of this person until this morning when friends reposted his facebook feed as above.  This guy reportedly broke his wife's back in 4 places during an assault and moving on from this maintains somehow how he has been the victim showing absolutely no insight whatsoever into what he has done.

People with narcissistic personality disorder have become trapped at a very low level of functioning. I believe perhaps it comes from our failure to negotiate a very early stage of childhood at a time whereby we 'fairly' felt ourselves to be the centre of the universe at that time. Reasonable for someone of about the age of 1. With hopefully compassion given this stage is negotiated and we learn to realise how others are important etc etc.  There are other theories on this such as whether there is in fact different brain wiring with people who grow up to have fully developed narcissistic personality disorder.

People with this disorder very rarely go into therapy since they believe they are right, as does this person.  They typically pair up with people who have some degree of co-dependence.  We need to be careful not to victim blame here but people will typically be targeted due to some weak point they have.  This will be the person that typically ends up in therapy following the abuse.  We can call this person the co-narcissist.  There is a good article on co-narcissism on the links of my site.  If you feel you may know someone who is a narcissist or feel impacted maybe see this link and see if it resonates with you as a potential co-narcissist  www.newbeginningstherapy.co.nz

Male narcissism plays out typically like this guy.  The brute, male dominator, the centre of attention.  Think of the dysfunctional alpha male, ruling by physical strength.  Narcissists are most commonly male , atleast most commonly identified as male.  I wonder how much of this links in though with how there is a pressure on males to be this kind of alpha male to some degree. So there is some part of negative male pressure and stereotyping somehow links in here somehow.

Female narcissists are similar in that they also totally lack empathy for others (the main identifier of narcissism).  They similarly lack remorse or any insight into their behaviour and everything that happens is always someone elses fault.  They think they are completely right, 100%.  The difference with male narcissism is that in the female type the typical ruling on physical strength is more typically changed to more in the way of emotional manipulation. Although male narcissists do their share of that too. Again this is where our gender conditioning mixes in.  Female narcissists will also play the role of the victim and the martyr to suck people in more typically.

I work with victims of narcissists constantly and just some narcissists. Victims of narcissists leave and feel like they've been through some kind of emotional holocaust and embark on some huge courageous process of healing and recovery to get over what has happened and this realisation that the person they thought they loved was never that person at all.

When I saw this today I felt the infuriation people had when seeing this and the disbelief that still somehow this person identifies as being the victim in it all.  I felt all this too while at the same time I have found on my journey of becoming a therapist this needing to realise how real pathological mental health is.  I noted some of the posts questioning on whether he may be a narcissist.  My assessment would be that he most certainly would be atleast that. Someone who breaks his wife back in 4 places for whatever supposed reason he no doubt has then has the capacity to write about it as a 'hideous relationship' showing no remorse for what 'he' did is certainly diagnosable in my view.

It's important to recognise how much such pathological mental health is around us and how it is such a real thing.  Not to fear monger but just to be aware of who you are friends with and who you are trusting and people who really add to your life or just take as Narcissists do.

Healthy mental health (something not talked about as often as it could be) is characterised by a quest for meaning, a state of balance.  There aren't really the same highs and lows as there are in pathological mental health.  It is more seen to be realistic, centred and an awareness of the joys and also pain of life and an understanding of our own mortality and a realistic feeling of who we are, what we can offer and our value and limitations.  This seems something this guy has little or no sense of at all.

I have wrote various blog posts on becoming centred and finding meaning in our lives and being aware of who we let in etc to avoid being victims to such people. There are some great facebook groups around survivors of narcissistic abuse I'd recommend anyone to have a search if you feel you have been in a relationship with someone like this.  It can be very resonating and therapeutic for people. 

There are also great book resources I would recommend.  'How to do no contact like a boss' is available online. Also 'It's all about him' and 'Its all about her' similarly available online.  It's important to recognise that whereas most identified people with narcissistic personality disorder are men that there is becoming an increase in identified females and victims of female narcissism.

If you see www.lifethatworks.com there are some ideas on dealing with narcissists.  Again to emphasise this is a very real thing. The only way out is no contact and detachment.  There is sadly no reasoning and this is such a hard thing to deal with. Due to them always thinking they are right you cannot really challenge them but only say things that don't buy into their games. The site linked gives good info on that. Empathising and feeling you can help will only lead to you being more and more used up.  The term 'Emotional Vampires' is a great one and there is a book called just that. These people do just bleed you dry.  That's what they thrive on.  They most often target our caring nature and our belief that if we are good to them then they will come through, but they don't.

People detaching from narcissists go through big grief processes and are suddenly able to contact their intuition and have this feeling how their whole world was just taken over.  They are able to recover and then make more constructive relationships. There is light at the end of the tunnel for the victim.

Julia Cameron in 'The artists way' writes well on this from a different space identifying the narcissist as 'the crazy maker' and about removing crazy makers then becoming in touch with our creative selves. Anyone can do a test for narcissism on someone they may be thinking may be one. See here for the test and the strategies.

Note: I am a qualified Counsellor and have studied a degree in Psychology.  I do not give diagnosis professionally as I am not a Psychologist.  However from my professional and personal experience I work with them and will give my opinions and assessments based on this.

Becoming Vegan

Becoming Vegan was a big part of my journey of personal development and growth.  This change happened to me while living in New Zealand in mid 2012.  This change of lifestyle was promoted and supported by a personal and spiritual development group I became connected with which teaches mainly Tao and Buddhist principles and an emphasis on compassionate living and a developing spirituality.

Certain myths were cleared up which I had grew up with around protein and the idea that eating meat was somehow essential and important in the human diet.  I was able to see how I could be very healthy and at the same time begin to live with a deepening level of compassion and to know I was doing minimal harm when I ate.  I was also able to cut out the wearing of clothes containing animal products and now live happily and healthily as an ethical Vegan.  It has been a wonderful change for me on my journey of personal growth and development.

Although I am an ethical vegan in working with the principles of minimal harm my health did in fact improve also and I loved the feeling of being full but not in the same heavy way I had been used to when eating meat regularly.  I also think I must have been lactose intolerant to some degree as my skin became much clearer.  I felt like a veil was lifted and I felt more conscious and I was aware of so much suffering in animals and also the incredible damage this does to our environment and have felt strongly that on all levels a move towards horticulture is a way forward.

I have worked for SAFE in Auckland who work to safeguard animals from exploitation and am also going to set up regular donations to my new charity of choice 'Go Vegan'.  Go Vegan supports and promotes transition to a Vegan life for the purpose of good health, protecting animals and protecting the environment.  From the website you are able to order a Go Vegan starter kit which gives more information on Veganism in terms of the positive impacts this can have all round as well as menus and nutrition guides.  As a client you can also feel free to ask me for a starter kit in session should you wish.

Have you been in a relationship with a narcissist?

http://ladywithatruck.com/2013/08/22/word-salad-how-you-know-you-are-with-a-narcissist/

I came across the above article on people having narcissistic partners which I really enjoyed.  I really liked the idea of the 'word salad' and loved the bullshit bullshit bullshit picture.  I didn't like the overuse of 'he' and 'him' without explanation.  It seems likely the author had been in an abusive relationship with a male Narcissist herself.  Most diagnosed narcissists are also male although I often wonder how due to gender stereotyping it more just happens to come up this way.  Women are more often diagnosed as Borderline, Histrionic.  I think the article should've explained why she used 'he' constantly.

I really liked how it also referred to the victim mentality of the narcissist.  I feel from research though this plays out a little differently in males and females.  Both are the same in seeing themselves as the centre of the world and they are never at fault (the reason why they are rarely if ever in therapy discussing what they have done and feeling bad about it).  However, the helpless victim mentality and martyr is often more related to the female narcissist.  This is where the genders seem to play out differently.  The male narcissist is domineering, a control often through more overt abuse often as well as gaslighting etc etc although more covert abuse forms are used to.  I feel this is why a male is more likely to be diagnosed as a narcissist and also that it kind of plays along with male stereotypes.  Narcissism can be seen as kind of dysfunctional alpha male.  All about the centre of attention and demeaning those around him.

The female narcissist has a similar alpha kind of mentality underneath but the abuse will typically be more covert.  Emotional manipulation tactics to seek power and control to dehumanise the victim are more common.  Both genders however put their victim on an emotional rollercoaster and are left wondering what happened.  The cycle of idealisation then devaluing and discarding fit in with both types as they toy with their victims.

It is victims of narcissists that are most often in therapy rather than narcissists themselves.  The victim will typically have some level of codependence and some self esteem lacking which lead to their vulnerability to be 'sucked in' to the narcissists game.

Amanda Ferguson on her page www.lifethatworks.com gives strategies for dealing with narcissists and an overview of what it takes to define a narcissist and a good while simple idea of wondering whether someone makes you feel 'not right' a lot of the time.  This is a good start to see if you may be in a relationships with a narcissist.

Narcissists strive merely to get narcissistic supply and can be very charismatic and ultimately thrive on emotion and basically making your life hell.  Julia Cameron in 'The artists way' gives a great discussion of involvement with 'crazy makers' who can be seen the same as Narcissists and how our involvement with them traps our own creative energy and shows our fear to reclaim our creative selves.  I have linked here with my post about the exercise of doing morning pages to reclaim our creative selves more by carrying out this exercise.

There are some helpful books for dealing and ridding oneself of the narcissist.  The ones clients have recommended most to me and which I enjoyed are How to do no contact like a boss which discusses how life begins after no contact and a no contact rule.  I found this particularly resonating from the article above and the whole bullshit salad it speaks.  It is our natural desire as humans to want closure, to want to talk etc and to understand.  When dealing with a narcissist though there needs to be the ability to make the diagnosis then to be able to walk away and step off the rollercoaster and to realise that there will never be closure in that sense as the person you cared for so much was never that person originally.  See my other blog post about finding closure.

There are other books referring to both male and female narcissism separately which are useful also.  It's all about him  for relationship with the male narcissist and It's all about her for relations with the female narcissist.

In my research around this topic and recovery I have really enjoyed the concepts of 'fighting for your happiness' which I blogged about also here.  Also I like the idea once you are building your esteem to be aware that relationships should always be adding something.

Grief Counselling

Clients I work with in Counselling will typically always have some grief to work with.  Some clients come to specifically work on grief e.g. dealing with the death of a loved one.  Through the person centred support I am able to offer in the sessions clients are able to go through a grieving process to be able to ultimately move on and let go.  The work of Kubler Ross on grief can be helpful to identify the different stages you may be working with if you are going through grief of some sort.

 

Even if the main issue identified isn't grief there is usually grief involved in various other concerns.  For example we may grieve over a relationship that has ended or in working with an abusive past we may grieve as we realise things weren't as happy as we once thought. 

 

As painful as it can be to go through it's important to remember there is light at the end of the tunnel.  The feeling of 'I just want it all to end' is very common and it can be important just to allow ourselves to be in our grief and just accept the emotions as they keep coming up.  The mentality of 'soldier on' is very common in England and New Zealand cultures.  This is not a mentality which gets us through grief or any other mental health concerns. 

 

Through keeping balanced and just letting the emotions come and being supported there will eventually come a time when you will be able to move on more constructively. 

Relationship Counselling

I see many clients with relationship issues.  Sometimes I see clients individually who just work on themselves to get a greater sense of self knowledge and self esteem to be able to build a better relationship with their partner and to relate better.  I work with the individual in this area by exploring the emotional responses to interactions that are going on with the partner then to look back as to what past relationships and past dramas may be contributing to how they are feeling now.  We then look into rebuilding a sense of self esteem and to be able to interact in an adult to adult assertive manner.  The goal is to work to build interdependent relationships based on maturity and mutual respect.

 

I work with clients in this area individually most of the time first and then together or sometimes just together from the start.  If the goal of a client is to have couples Counselling eventually it is always useful to atleast have one individual session with the partner alone first to allow a balance to happen so neither client feels favoured.

 

We work with the ideas that a codependent relationship is an A shape type of relationhip whereas there are issues on either side whereas neither person has a strong sense of themselves so they rely on the partner to fill certain needs.  This commonly raises itself in couples counselling.  We therefore work with trying to allow each partner to obtain a constructive healthy sense of themselves and to allow a building of a more H type of relationship whereas each is allowed is allowed to feel healthy and free alone while enjoying and appreciating a connection to the partner.

Anger management

Often clients come to Counselling and speak about want to 'control anger'. I have dealt with many clients with anger issues. The key thing in Counselling which is important is to remember that we do not in fact try to 'control our anger'. Trying to control an emotion is what leads to it becoming trapped and distorted and coming out at points in a way which may not be appropriate. It is important rather to look at the ways we 'manage our emotions' and in particular 'manage our anger'.

 

Anger is often a frowned upon emotion as seen as something we should control or in some way try to curb. Whereas abuse is always wrong there is nothing wrong with the feeling of anger or any other feeling. Throughout my work with clients working on this issue we often speak of anger to be seen like it is at the start of a hill. If you picture a hill and on one side of the hill there is anger which is absolutely fine. Any feeling of anger is okay, it's healthy and is nothing to be concerned about. An emotion like any other which is to be managed and used constructively. Anger can build however and if not managed well can go up over the hill and down the slippery slope of the other side and turn into abuse which is never okay.

 

In Counselling sessions we often look at this analogy and then work with the feeling of anger. I often emphasise constantly how the feeling of anger is absolutely fine and encourage clients to bring whatever anger they have to the sessions so we can work with it. Clients often feel enraged and notice how outside of sessions in the real world they are triggered by the smallest things. Exploring the emotions and what these things that trigger them remind them of can be key to getting to the root of the anger and rather than it become our enemy, be our friend we can embrace as part of our lives.

 

Anger can often be mixed with other strong emotions. Sometimes self therapy exercises such as writing or actual rigorous exercise and keeping an overall healthy balance can help us to keep our emotions well regulated. Through working with our emotions in therapy we can come to a state of greater balance. If we picture someone carrying buckets, one on each side, on a piece of wood over their shoulders. In the case of anger management we are often stumbling around and the water (symbolising our emotions) is pouring out and going all over the place. Through accepting where we are at and that there is an issue with the emotions pouring out and perhaps becoming abusive, we are able to create routines and explore the emotions to become happier and more balanced. Cognitive behavioural therapy can also help here in moving forward to make goals for the future.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a useful therapy I practice to some degree with almost every client I see. I studied this in my Psychology degree and Counselling diploma and am also completing a diploma specifically in this subject. CBT is based on the idea that it is our destructive thoughts about a situation which lead to us therefore feeling unhappy and unable to do the things we want to do. In Cognitive therapy we therefore examine what these thought patterns are which are causing us to feel unhappy or like we can't function and to challenge these to see how grounded in reality they really are. By doing this we are often able to take an edge off our anxiety to allow us to do more quite quickly, or to atleast take that step forward we need. It can easily be incorporated into therapy for various issues such as dealing with depression, grief counselling or relationship counselling. My putting things into a real clearer perspective and overcoming irrational thinking it can help us to understand that whereas things may seem bad now they often aren't as bad as they seem and even if things are really bad it doesn't mean that nothing will ever change.

 

The founder of CBT therapy was Albert Ellis. He referred to the process of us making these destructive thought patterns as 'awfulising'. When we are feeling anxious about a situation and examine the thoughts we are often able to see how irrational what we are thinking really is. For example, an anxiety around being in a crowded space when examined can expose itself through CBT as ultimately being a thought that we fear we may get crushed by the other people there. When truly examining the thoughts scientifically we are often able to see that there isn't a foundation in reality for that thought so consequentially the anxiety can decrease.

 

A common exercise I use with clients is to describe a situation and then to discuss the feelings associated with it and the percentage these feelings are dominating them in the situation. e.g. situation: going to the mall, feelings: anxiety, dread 90%. After this we then look at the thoughts associated with it. It is often difficult for clients to really get into the thoughts as we often go hard on ourselves and dont like to acknowledge that our thoughts are in fact irrational. In my practice I encourage that whatever it is we are thinking and feeling is real at that time for us and that is our reality and the only thing we can work with to make progress. By going into the thoughts they may be something like: 1. There are too many people. 2. People will walk into me. 3. People will get angry with me. 4. It is all too much. 5. I can never be in a mall. These thoughts may also be dominating the consciousness at 90%.

 

We take each of these statements and really look at them and what they actually mean and of their truly is any foundation. Starting with:

 

1. There are too many people.
   Our rational may be: - It may be very busy, I don't know yet. If it is very busy I can leave and come back when quieter. If I decide to go in there is no reason I wouldnt be able to leave at any time.
2. People will walk into me.
   Our rational may be: It is unlikely that someone would walk into me but if they did it wouldn't be the end of the world. Either one of us could say sorry. It is unlikely anything truly harmful would come of this.
3. People will get angry with me.
   Our rational may be: It is unlikely that anyone would get angry with me but if they did I would be able to leave or be calm enough to manage their anger. If it is really so busy where people will be bumping into one another I could choose not to go in and come back another day.
4. It is all too much.
   Our rational may be: If it truly feels too much I can leave at any time.
5. I can never be in a mall.
   Our rational may be: I feel like I can't be in a mall now but there is no reason why this would be the case for all of time.

 

After this we then re-rate the original emotions and the original thoughts

 

Often through doing some cognitive behavioural therapy at the start we are able to take an edge off and also in noticing the 'awfuling' thoughts we are often able to see where this has come from. In the case of the client above this could come from a memory for example of being in the mall on a very busy day near christmas with parents and being very crowded and being shouted at by someone for walking into them.

 

Through CBT we can realise what the dysfunctional thoughts are and challenge them to take the anxiety off. It can also enable us to go deeper as we realise where these thoughts may have come from. More work in Counselling can go into more emotional depth in talking about the original stress of where it came from. Through the supportive environment and empathy given clients are able to let go of this and move forward.

 

A challenge is CBT can often be clients stress of where they are at and where they want to be which can seem miles away. It is always important in the whole Counselling process to practice your own compassion for yourselves which often we have lost. It can be useful to think about what you would say to a good friend who is feeling this same way. It is really important that wherever you are at to be able to nurture yourself at that space and then to look what is the way forward to make that one step.

 

In CBT we often work on SMART goals. This is about making goals of where you would like to be in the future in different areas of your life. The letters stand for SPECIFIC, MEASURABLE, ACHIEVABLE, REALISTIC, TIME FRAMED. We can create goals in our therapy sessions and then break down to be able to make that first step. Everyone can always find a goal and make a first step to get there.

 

Sometimes people just don't know what they want or just come to Counselling with a feeling that things aren't how they want them to be and with that feeling we can more empathically explore it and look at what it means. Through these feelings we can find a deeper self understanding then over time perhaps link this understanding with CBT and more forward planning.