Grief Counselling

Clients I work with in Counselling will typically always have some grief to work with.  Some clients come to specifically work on grief e.g. dealing with the death of a loved one.  Through the person centred support I am able to offer in the sessions clients are able to go through a grieving process to be able to ultimately move on and let go.  The work of Kubler Ross on grief can be helpful to identify the different stages you may be working with if you are going through grief of some sort.

 

Even if the main issue identified isn't grief there is usually grief involved in various other concerns.  For example we may grieve over a relationship that has ended or in working with an abusive past we may grieve as we realise things weren't as happy as we once thought. 

 

As painful as it can be to go through it's important to remember there is light at the end of the tunnel.  The feeling of 'I just want it all to end' is very common and it can be important just to allow ourselves to be in our grief and just accept the emotions as they keep coming up.  The mentality of 'soldier on' is very common in England and New Zealand cultures.  This is not a mentality which gets us through grief or any other mental health concerns. 

 

Through keeping balanced and just letting the emotions come and being supported there will eventually come a time when you will be able to move on more constructively. 

Relationship Counselling

I see many clients with relationship issues.  Sometimes I see clients individually who just work on themselves to get a greater sense of self knowledge and self esteem to be able to build a better relationship with their partner and to relate better.  I work with the individual in this area by exploring the emotional responses to interactions that are going on with the partner then to look back as to what past relationships and past dramas may be contributing to how they are feeling now.  We then look into rebuilding a sense of self esteem and to be able to interact in an adult to adult assertive manner.  The goal is to work to build interdependent relationships based on maturity and mutual respect.

 

I work with clients in this area individually most of the time first and then together or sometimes just together from the start.  If the goal of a client is to have couples Counselling eventually it is always useful to atleast have one individual session with the partner alone first to allow a balance to happen so neither client feels favoured.

 

We work with the ideas that a codependent relationship is an A shape type of relationhip whereas there are issues on either side whereas neither person has a strong sense of themselves so they rely on the partner to fill certain needs.  This commonly raises itself in couples counselling.  We therefore work with trying to allow each partner to obtain a constructive healthy sense of themselves and to allow a building of a more H type of relationship whereas each is allowed is allowed to feel healthy and free alone while enjoying and appreciating a connection to the partner.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a useful therapy I practice to some degree with almost every client I see. I studied this in my Psychology degree and Counselling diploma and am also completing a diploma specifically in this subject. CBT is based on the idea that it is our destructive thoughts about a situation which lead to us therefore feeling unhappy and unable to do the things we want to do. In Cognitive therapy we therefore examine what these thought patterns are which are causing us to feel unhappy or like we can't function and to challenge these to see how grounded in reality they really are. By doing this we are often able to take an edge off our anxiety to allow us to do more quite quickly, or to atleast take that step forward we need. It can easily be incorporated into therapy for various issues such as dealing with depression, grief counselling or relationship counselling. My putting things into a real clearer perspective and overcoming irrational thinking it can help us to understand that whereas things may seem bad now they often aren't as bad as they seem and even if things are really bad it doesn't mean that nothing will ever change.

 

The founder of CBT therapy was Albert Ellis. He referred to the process of us making these destructive thought patterns as 'awfulising'. When we are feeling anxious about a situation and examine the thoughts we are often able to see how irrational what we are thinking really is. For example, an anxiety around being in a crowded space when examined can expose itself through CBT as ultimately being a thought that we fear we may get crushed by the other people there. When truly examining the thoughts scientifically we are often able to see that there isn't a foundation in reality for that thought so consequentially the anxiety can decrease.

 

A common exercise I use with clients is to describe a situation and then to discuss the feelings associated with it and the percentage these feelings are dominating them in the situation. e.g. situation: going to the mall, feelings: anxiety, dread 90%. After this we then look at the thoughts associated with it. It is often difficult for clients to really get into the thoughts as we often go hard on ourselves and dont like to acknowledge that our thoughts are in fact irrational. In my practice I encourage that whatever it is we are thinking and feeling is real at that time for us and that is our reality and the only thing we can work with to make progress. By going into the thoughts they may be something like: 1. There are too many people. 2. People will walk into me. 3. People will get angry with me. 4. It is all too much. 5. I can never be in a mall. These thoughts may also be dominating the consciousness at 90%.

 

We take each of these statements and really look at them and what they actually mean and of their truly is any foundation. Starting with:

 

1. There are too many people.
   Our rational may be: - It may be very busy, I don't know yet. If it is very busy I can leave and come back when quieter. If I decide to go in there is no reason I wouldnt be able to leave at any time.
2. People will walk into me.
   Our rational may be: It is unlikely that someone would walk into me but if they did it wouldn't be the end of the world. Either one of us could say sorry. It is unlikely anything truly harmful would come of this.
3. People will get angry with me.
   Our rational may be: It is unlikely that anyone would get angry with me but if they did I would be able to leave or be calm enough to manage their anger. If it is really so busy where people will be bumping into one another I could choose not to go in and come back another day.
4. It is all too much.
   Our rational may be: If it truly feels too much I can leave at any time.
5. I can never be in a mall.
   Our rational may be: I feel like I can't be in a mall now but there is no reason why this would be the case for all of time.

 

After this we then re-rate the original emotions and the original thoughts

 

Often through doing some cognitive behavioural therapy at the start we are able to take an edge off and also in noticing the 'awfuling' thoughts we are often able to see where this has come from. In the case of the client above this could come from a memory for example of being in the mall on a very busy day near christmas with parents and being very crowded and being shouted at by someone for walking into them.

 

Through CBT we can realise what the dysfunctional thoughts are and challenge them to take the anxiety off. It can also enable us to go deeper as we realise where these thoughts may have come from. More work in Counselling can go into more emotional depth in talking about the original stress of where it came from. Through the supportive environment and empathy given clients are able to let go of this and move forward.

 

A challenge is CBT can often be clients stress of where they are at and where they want to be which can seem miles away. It is always important in the whole Counselling process to practice your own compassion for yourselves which often we have lost. It can be useful to think about what you would say to a good friend who is feeling this same way. It is really important that wherever you are at to be able to nurture yourself at that space and then to look what is the way forward to make that one step.

 

In CBT we often work on SMART goals. This is about making goals of where you would like to be in the future in different areas of your life. The letters stand for SPECIFIC, MEASURABLE, ACHIEVABLE, REALISTIC, TIME FRAMED. We can create goals in our therapy sessions and then break down to be able to make that first step. Everyone can always find a goal and make a first step to get there.

 

Sometimes people just don't know what they want or just come to Counselling with a feeling that things aren't how they want them to be and with that feeling we can more empathically explore it and look at what it means. Through these feelings we can find a deeper self understanding then over time perhaps link this understanding with CBT and more forward planning.

Sudden closure of Relationships Aotearoa.

I was shocked and saddened to see the news that Relationships Aotearoa was closing suddenly.  I did not just find the news saddening but the way it was all handled as being very concerning and brutal.  From the evidence I have seen through One News and the interviews I have found Anne Tolley's response to be totally patronising and demeaning towards Relationships Aotearoa.  I also find the action and the sudden end for clients without even giving two weeks notice as was expected by the spokesperson for Relationships Aotearoa just brutal. It showed a total disregard and almost pathological Narcissistic lack of empathy for the rights of clients.

As a Counsellor I know that the main indicator of good outcomes for clients is the trust and rapport between Counsellor and client.  The typical client will find this hard to build up due to bad outcomes in attempting this in their background leading to destructive behaviour towards others or perhaps this leading them into destructive relationships and behaviour.  It is common that the very foundation of Counselling is building this rapport to allow the individual to experience freedom and allow past conditioning to fall apart.  This can be a very slow, difficult, while rewarding experience for the client.

The action of an immediate end will in many cases have shattered this trust, maybe forever.  I don't want to be overly dramatic and I only hope for the clients best welfare but the action to suddenly end is just so incredible brutal and potentially devastating especially for those at risk.  Anne Tolley herself describes 500 urgent cases but yet seems to speak of these people as if they are objects or at best totally calm rational beings who are going to be fine with this change.  She seems to completely disregard or have no concept on how such a change could impact them.  These 500 'urgent cases' are now at a level (due to Anne Tolley) far far more urgent.  The clients are quoted as being at risk of suicide, homicide, also sexual offenders are now at higher risk in each of these categories

Client rights set out by the Health and Disability Commission says that clients are to be treated with 'respect' and that 'effective communication' is to take place.  Anne Tolley seems to sabotaged this from taking place.  She has broke the rights of the clients at Relationships Aotearoa.

Incredibly Anne Tolley went on to tell Relationships Aotearoa to 'calm down'.  A response as a mental health professional I found to be either totally stupid or a deliberate attempt to inflame since anyone is taught when dealing with people who are inflamed (which Relationships Aotearoa fairly are) is to tell them to 'calm down'.  A totally patronising and inappropriate response on her part. 

There were 7000 clients being helped by Relationships Aoteoroa.  It seemed an incredible action magnified even more by the fact that the people affected are those supposedly at the focus of the governments new community investment.  If we are really investing in the community and we are acknowledging that Counselling is part of that we need to understand these basic Counselling processes and the fact that we are dealing with people.  This does not just apply for Counselling but for any form of Social Care.  To not even allow the clients two more weeks as the spokeperson thought to create some kind of ending and gentler moving on for them could prove a key factor in their ability to ever recover.  Someone in Anne Tolley's position should know this and should have acted better.

I have been in contact with Relationships Aotearoa to potentially offer clients Counselling sessions at the same fees of Relationships Aotearoa and will be contacting the other agencies where the clients have gone to.  The further disaster following this was that the agencies referred to were more based in a social work framework although some of the relationships Aotearoa Counsellors have apparently moved on also to these same places which is some positive.  It seems unclear as to whether or not all these clients will be accommodated with new Counsellors at this stage.

Our relationships always adding something

Often due to some destructive past influences people in Counselling are often involved with people in their lives who are less than constructive for them.  What can happen is that we play out certain roles which we played perhaps for our parents in the past.  The idea is often discussed of 'replaying dramas' whereas in the past we were forced to abandon our authentic self in order to fit in with a dysfunctional family system and now continue to replay these same destructive patterns with others in our lives.

Our romantic relationships are identified as in particularly bringing up our deepest core issues.  Often we work in Counselling with what this situation is reminding me of from my past.  Often the same niggle we have with for example an overbearing and dominating partner can be traced back to our primary caregivers.  Healing this original wound can then provide a key foundation to becoming more assertive with our current partner and working towards a constructive way forward or perhaps finding a different relationship.

It is important to remember as adults that people in our lives should be adding something to our lives.  Playing the role of a support person for example is very positive in pockets but it is important to reflect back on ones boundaries and look at the role the other person is playing in their life and whether they are in fact adding something or just draining.  Friends should always add something and they should never be cruel.

A very simple boundary exercise to become more conscious can be simply to list people in our lives and write what we are and what we are not willing to do.  Getting this out there and making it clear and conscious can then help us to be more constructive.  If we are unable to act on these boundaries or for some reason feel obligated to be a certain way it is important to reflect on ourselves as to why this may be.

As adults we need to remember that the word 'should' is out.  Changing the word to 'could' and therefore looking at what we choose or choose not to do.

Healing the solar plexus

Recently I have become more aware of our solar plexus through my giving of Counselling and Therapy and through my own personal development and having some massage.

Reading about the solar plexus it is almost an exact focus of what Counselling work tends to focus on.  The quote below is from a site discussing the solar plexus.  The full site is here

'The solar plexus chakra represents our identity, or how we see and feel about ourselves. It is where your self-esteem, inner power and sense of responsibility originates.
Problems with this chakra arise from fear of our own identity or losing our identity. For example, the need to excessively control others or ourselves, inability to take responsibility for ourselves or others, criticism and judgment, poor decision-making ability, fear of failure, or feeling invisible or overlooked by others.
The challenge of this chakra is to develop your inner power by being honest and at peace with yourself.'

In Chinese Medicine this area is also referred to as the 'lower dantian' and being 'like the root of the tree of life.'.  See Wikipedia here.

I have found that massage in this area just below the rib cage can often bring physical and emotional release and greater sense of personal empowerment.

The following link  gives some great ideas for solar plexus relief.

It would seem to me that the solar plexus therefore is almost a very central theme that is worked on within Counselling and Therapy sessions.

Through the Counselling process, developing a compassion for ourselves and slowly reaching out and balancing the solar plexus the individual becomes more empowered and mobilised.  There are often themes of really outgrowing the past and realisations about the truth of a situation.  The true self can suddenly break through like a becoming colour experience and people may say things like 'I will never let that happen again!' or may suddenly open up a new part of themselves which is truer and more real than what went before.  It's like a new deeper self has been able to come through and get a grounding and stability and also a self respect and self love which wasn't there before.  It is an exciting breakthrough. 

When people have been abused or diminished in some way the experience can be particularly powerful.  The term 'releasing of the warrior' can be used to describe this sudden breakthrough and new stance the person is taking of themselves and their lives, their new found self respect.

Morning pages as a therapeutic exercise

Since being a client in Counselling 13 years ago I always found writing to be a good daily connection exercise. I did it constantly at points but at other times lost it. It was in the last couple of months though I really connected with the idea from 'The Artists Way' by Julia Cameron to actually do 'morning pages' where you write every morning as a real ritual.

I've been doing it on my laptop where each morning before anything else I get my laptop out and just write consistently for 20 minutes. I set my alarm 20 minutes early just for it. The book actually says to write 3 pages but I've enjoyed 20 minutes personally since this is the time spent in meditation which usually puts the brain into the therapeutic alpha state and I think of writing as being a meditation in its own right in terms of encompassing a focus and a relaxation. I'm not sure whether the brain goes to alpha brain waves but what I find is just a general clearing out. The idea is to just write whatever you are feeling, or noticing.... just like a stream of consciousness coming from the gut and your intuitive guidance. Maybe if something happened the night before which was funny or annoying or whatever... It doesn't matter... you just write that thing which is first on your mind and just let it flow from there. I've found it amazing as it has lead to constructive decision making, processing of emotions and just a general clearing up and a kind of self soothing too. I'd recommend people to try it. In The Artists Way it speaks of an unlocking of our creativity which this exercise as a kind of central thing to be doing.

People sometimes report life changing impacts from doing this for 12 weeks.

How has this worked for you? Would you ever try this? What self connection exercises do you find helpful? Would you try a 12 week challenge of doing morning pages ?