Happiness, balance, and empowered choices

The simple reason people typically choose to go to Counselling is because they don't feel happy with their lives.  A feeling like something is wrong or missing somehow.  In Counselling and Therapy we work with the emotional reality of the client to help them to move towards a more constructive sense of themselves typically through an acceptance of their emotions which may have been blocked in the past.

One of my favourite self therapy books I have read is 'Life Works by Amanda Ferguson' which gives the following explanation of happiness and finding happiness. p26 - 27

'Happiness lies in learning to focus on ourselves as the source and to work through our own thoughts, feelings and problems.  We can then see any problems in other areas of our lives more clearly.  When we're content within ourselves we are better able to create the lifestyle and relationships we want.

If we are to be happy in life it's also important to realise that we can't have everything.  Society tends to promote the idea that we can - but realistically, of course, we can't.  The sooner we work out what we do want and become contend with giving up the rest, we can be happy.

Generally, there are some basic things that make all of us happy.  We need to feel safe and secure.  We need to feel confident that we can obtain the things that we need and want from life.  We need to be able to accept and like ourselves for the way we are and yet be able to identify and commit to making changes as we see fit.  We need to feel a sense of belonging to society.  We need to feel that there is meaning and value to our lives (Frankl, 1984).  Most of us know that these things are not as simple as they might sound.'

From a colleague I was recently drawn to the idea of writing a list of what we feel brings balance in our lives then looking at what may be missing, things we may like to add etc.  The concept of 'Imagineering' was discussed.  It can be useful to look at what is bringing us balance and things we may like to change then think of ways we can make steps towards the life we want more.  A great way to work on this is through SMART goals.

It's important to be true to yourself in this process and put yourself first and be willing to go against the grain of what society wants.  In working with clients in this area I have recently found the trend interesting of couples who for whatever reasons are choosing not to be parents but with parenthood being a way societal pressure typically pulls couples.  Here is a good book on the subject.  It is important to be willing to stand up for your own willingness to CHOOSE and what brings YOU balance.  This is a real test of our own relationship with ourselves. 

Fighting for your happiness

As part of my ongoing professional development I was reading a book written about abusive relationships.  Lisa E Scott has wrote two books.  One of which is about women overcoming the narcissistic male and another for men overcoming the narcissistic female.  There was a part which really stuck with me.  It said about the feeling of anger and using that constructively.   Anger can be misconstrued as being negative but provided it doesn't cross a barrier into abuse it is an empowering emotion which often clients are helped to access and feel in my therapy sessions.  Accessing anger can be great to enable people to recognise their own boundaries and where they end and where someone else begins and can learn to feel responsible for their own emotions rather than looking after the emotions of others.

In recovery from an abusive relationship people often have all kind of messy emotions but anger can be quite a common central one.  Anger over feeling they were used, not treated how they deserved, somehow used as a doormat.  Often it can be particularly difficult if there isn't a closure too.  When the partner or people around us simply were not the people we thought they were there is a gap created where we have an instinct where we want to get closure from the person and to understand why they treated us that way.   Often the truth is simply that the person never was the person we thought originally which can be a difficult thing to deal with.

This anger left over can become our fighting instinct as the book said to 'fight for our happiness'.  All this energy which went into trying to make the relationship work can now go into us.  We can recognise that we can put ourselves first (a revelation for many in therapy).  The grief of what was can be processed and this anger can go into our pursuits;  our new gym classes, building new relationships, our new business ventures, our active meditation practice.  Channelling anger into these things can be very empowering and knowing it is your energy now to use for you. 

Often people want revenge but this is typically fruitless as a goal and is again another acting out of the victim role rather than a pushing through into our authentic selves.  When feeling the need for revenge I find a healthy model of revenge can just be to feel your own happiness. Whatever happened in the past and whatever this person or people did, it didn't beat you.  You came through it and look at you now.